The Gift That Keeps On Giving

I promised myself this week that I wouldn’t do this. I said after writing last week’s IRL, “Right, that’s enough now, no more writing about this. It’s getting out of hand. Move on, for Christ’s sake.” But how am I meant to do that when I get so much material and fun out of them every week? How am I supposed to find a new figure of fun when they failures bring me so much joy and happiness? Lord, please tell me how I am meant to stop laughing at Everton? The Blue Shite made out like it was a new dawn at the pit last week when Ronald Koeman got sacked and David Unsworth was given the job on an interim basis. They went to Chelsea and gained a ‘credible’ 2-1 defeat. They thought they had finally found him – the man who was going to end their 23 year wait for trophy was in their midst the whole time and came in the form of  a rhino. Well fast-forward to Sunday and fuck all has changed. Rooney is still a fat, useless twat, Ashley Williams is still shit and The Ev still can’t find a formation for this mish-mash of a squad. One thing is new though. They now have a new academy product who is destined to let them down. Nice on Jonjoe Kenny, I heard you were always a boss red.

Fucked Between The Sticks

No, this is not the title of my new blue movie I am working on (NOTE TO SELF: Must edit out part about secret porno). This is how I choose to describe England’s goalkeeping situation. Let’s look at the culprits starting with the current number one, Joe Hart. Mr Hart spent last season at Torino but thought he was worth more than they could pay so took his over-rated arse to East London to join the *ahem* Slaven Bilic revolution. Fair to say he has show little to convince Pep Guardiola that it was a mistake to let him go out on loan until his contract eventually runs out. He continues to be beaten on his near post and the only thing keeping him in the number one shirt for Gareth Southgate at the minute is his reputation and the fact there is nobody better. Let’s face it, Fraser Forster, who is having a woeful season for Southampton, isn’t displacing him any time soon. Neither is Ben Foster, who is just fucking terrible but gets away with it because he laughs off all his mistakes. Jordan Pickford or Jack Butland may just be his nearest contenders. However Pickford has flattered to deceive at Everton because he is both footed and can throw it long, and Butland is still seen as shaky because he broke his ankle once and plays for Stoke. Playing for Stoke aside, I don’t see the problem with Butland. Joe Hart has made his monthly good save though so will probably start in the friendlies in November.

The False Prophet

It’s not often I get biblical but the links of Sean Dyche to every Premier League outside of the top 6 this week has me praying to God the rumours are bullshit. Dyche is a decent manager and has done well at Burnley. He has got the most out of his squad that has limited ability and has not wasted a penny on transfers. Well done Mr Dyche, A for effort, gold stars all round. Here is the problem though – defensive football isn’t nice to watch. It’s effective, sure, and it has got him to where he is today. But fans of clubs who aren’t Burnley won’t stand for it. The clubs Dyche has been linked with have been somewhat successful in the past. They aren’t going to be happy with Stephen Ward being played at left-back with Robbie Brady at left wing-back. Look at how much the whole country fucking detests Tony Pulis. Do you see Sean? This is the fate that awaits you. Please veer away from defensive, rigid football before you start wearing white webs on the touchline with a cap and tracksuit, for the love of all things holy!