After missing out on poking fun at last week’s action, we’re back with a bag of popcorn and tapes from this weekend’s games. Let’s try and make sense of it all.
Sergio Aguero: The Argentine scored a perfect hat-trick in a desperate bid to earn the love of Pep Guardiola. Perhaps changing the name on your shirt from Aguero to Alexis might be worth a try, eh Sergio?
Manchester City: Just another routine dismantling of another Premier League side. Nothing to see here, move along now.
Stoke City: An immediate upswing in fortunes as soon as they got rid of Mark “Not My Fault, Guv” Hughes.
Leicester City and Claude Puel: The Frenchman’s team are now above high-flying Burnley led by the wormaholic Sean Dyche. Maybe he should tell the press he eats frogs so they can run a few stories on him, too.
Arsenal: Who needs Alexis Sanchez? He wasn’t all that anyway. That Mkhitaryan lad, now he’s the real deal.
Anthony Martial: Making the most of whatever minutes he can get before the new recruit takes his place.
Southampton: Grabbed a point despite shooting blanks, yet again.
Eden Hazard: Clicking into form so Real Madrid can pick him up before Chelsea bring in Peter Crouch to play with him.
Javi Gracia: What’s he know about the Premier League? What’s he know?
Marco Silva: The Portuguese got hung up on Everton, but Watford hung up every time the Toffees called to discuss their manager. Silva just couldn’t get over Everton, so Watford let him go to fulfil his ambitions. And to extricate themselves from this sordid love affair.
Everton: Meanwhile, reluctant to wait any longer and staring at a potential relegation fight, Everton set aside their scruples and appointed Allardyce. It’s gone as well as anyone expected, with Everton boring the living daylights out of anyone who happens to watch their games. Now that their first choice is available again, will it be sayonara Sam?
Tottenham Hotspur: Fast losing ground in the race for top four, will Harry Kane stay if they can’t offer him Champions League football next season? Stay tuned to find out, in ‘Hard Bargains with Daniel Levy’.
Davinson Sanchez: The other Sanchez managed to wriggle his way into the headlines by scoring an own goal.
Newcastle United: No takers for a club that’s been on sale since Kagawa > Hazard used to be the chief delusion amongst United fans. Pretty sure it’ll stay that way, especially if they find themselves in a relegation battle.
Brighton and Huddersfield: The two promoted clubs are sliding towards the relegation zone, with only the established rubbish keeping them from falling into the pit.
The McCarthy Incident: Poor James McCarthy suffered a double fracture to his leg trying to stop Salomon Rondon from taking a shot. Poor Rondon seemed shaken by the unintended consequences of his actions and couldn’t stop crying. Although, we suspect it wasn’t helped by Chelsea approaching Peter Crouch and Ashley Barnes in their search for a big target man, and not him.