Hand of Pog?

Premier League

Paul Pogba really had one to forget this weekend. First of all, he dyed the sides of his hair bright yellow to try and fool the Liverpool players into thinking he was part of the club. Many Manchester United fans would be arguing that they would have been better off had he been wearing the bright yellow away kit.

Obviously confused by all the bright sparkly colours, Pogba opened the game up for Liverpool when he leapt up at the corner and punched the ball away. I mean I know it wasn’t the best of starts to his Manchester United career, but did they really have to get him doing goalkeeper training? He undoubtedly will be taking a bit of stick for the performance. Not only did he gift Liverpool a goal, he also missed a one on one chance, turning it round the post.

Pogba wasn’t the only one attempting to confuse everyone. Simon Mignolet also attempted to prank the crowd by actually saving some shots for once, leaving many Liverpool fans scratching their heads and asking who they had in goal.

In all fairness, Mignolet has taken a lot of stick this season but his performance was outstanding. Manchester United had more chances to score than Hugh Hefner in the Spearmint Rhino and, like the proverbial cock block, Simon denied them.

That was until Ibrahimovic finally put the ball away, a well-aimed header slipped past Mignolet and salvaged United a draw from a game that had their strike force been on form they really should have won.

Outside of the match, Liverpool are under ongoing confusion about defender Joel Matip. In what can only be described as a bizarre turn of events, the German-born defender was named in the Cameroon squad even though he’s “retired” from international football. Jurgen Klopp will be regretting not ringing up the Cameroon manager and asking him to name Ibrahimovic in the squad.

Forget Blue Monday, it was Blue Sunday for Pep Guardiola as Everton stunned Man City winning by 4 goals to none, despite only having 6 shots during the game. With such a conversion rate I wouldn’t be surprised to hear Koeman ringing me up during the week asking about PPI.

Pep informed everyone after the match that Man City were no longer in the title race, not that anyone thought they were. It’s a bit like me walking around town informing everyone I’m not a millionaire, nobody will be surprised but they may think I’m a little weird.

Anymore of what happened in Saturday’s match and you may find Paul Clement manages Swansea City like a ferret flies a plane, badly and not for long. In one of three matches that ended 4-0, the Swans did start a lot better than they have done recently but it appears the training videos they were watching were from the Jenga World Championship. As soon as Arsenal pressed the right bit, it all came tumbling in on itself. It seems Clement’s only hope for survival is to appeal to the Queen as slowly but surely the Swans are getting absolutely murdered.

Joey Barton obviously hasn’t stopped his gambling, The man with all the class of a naked woman urinating behind a Wetherspoons bins blasted in a winner for Burnley five mins into his Premier League return. Obviously, Burnley were the last leg in his acca and he wouldn’t want to see that fall-through. Barton thanked Sean Dyche for putting his faith in him and bringing him back to English football, and promised in return he would try not to punch too many team-mates, or spit on fans, or kick the faces off of homeless people in the town centre. However, he couldn’t say it definitely wouldn’t happen.

And finally West Brom were on the end of the final Kaneing (thank you) of the weekend. It was another 4 goal deficit as Harry Kane fired himself a hat trick, maybe bringing back last year’s form.

All in all it was a great weekend of football and perhaps by next week we’ll be reporting on stroppy teenager Payet finally getting his move away from West Ham.

About the Author

David Wroe
Stand Up Comic/ Presenter based in the south west of England.