Today’s Tales: Oh, that’s what Moysey meant…

Todays Tales

Last week David Moyes said that “new signings wouldn’t make any difference!” It was a somewhat negative comment by the man tasked with keeping Sunderland in the Premier League, many of us thought. But Moysey knew something we didn’t know. He knew he would be unveiling a new signing next week, and he knew how little difference this man was going to make to their relegation battle. Well, positive difference. The man they unveiled has all the potential to make an even more negative difference than they are managing already. Yes folks, Joleon Lescott and his car are back in town. Sunderland have a lot of problems, none of which can be solved by Joleon. Actually, I lie. There is one. The age old “how many former Everton players did Sunderland have in the squad that got relegated from the Premier League in 2017” pub quiz question has just needed to be altered. Seriously, that lot were not that good in 2009, let alone now. It takes a lot for even Villa fans to be looking in your direction and pissing themselves.

Big Sam has tried bringing Little Sam to Selhurst Park to kick start his reign and that hasn’t worked. He’s probably tried a few other things too, and they haven’t worked either. The next thing on “Big Sam’s Survival Plan” is to sign Patrick Van Aarnolt from Sunderland because, as we all know, a distinctly average left back can be the difference between staying up or not in the Premier League. Better still, Sam is going to persuade Yann M’Vila to come and do the whole relegation scrap thing once again. I hope Allardyce has some more bullet points on that survival plan. Oh, he has? I didn’t read down as far as “bring in Christopher Samba on trial” for some reason. I guess when the free agent market is a choice between Samba or Lescott you choose, well, neither of them surely?

Jurgen Klopp called his players in for emergency “clear the air” talks after they managed to let Swansea score three times against them. Apparently his approach was to remind the team how lucky they are to be allowed to go out and play open attacking football, unlike some of those other poor sods that have to camp out in their own half and hope they don’t lose. Actually Jurgen, if you do that from time to time you might sort that defensive problem of yours. Kloppo ended his sermon with a reminder to enjoy what they are doing. When you look at the Liverpool back four when Matip isn’t playing, “enjoying” isn’t exactly the look in their eyes.

Following finally getting that 250th United goal there has been talk of putting a statue of Wayne Rooney outside of Old Trafford. Easy now, you’re all ahead of me. Oh go on then, we’ll go there. Why don’t they just take the one that has been inside Old Trafford for the last season or so and ask him to stand outside on match day. Problem solved, right? As Newcastle fans have been quick to remind everyone, Wayne is still about 3000 goals short of Shearer’s Premier League record. I am sure Rooney looks at his Premier League medals sitting there alongside his Champions League medal and thinks, “if only I was more like Alan.”

Paul Clement will save Swansea apparently, well if you listen to Manuel Neuer anyway. That’s right. Goodness knows how a journalist got him to answer a question on his former assistant manager’s new job in a totally different league, but someone pulled it off. And Neuer claims Clement will probably be ok. That’s insight for you, that’s the kind of stuff Paxman used to pull out of the bag every night on Newsnight.

Harry Kane says anyone wanting to leave Spurs would be “stupid” to do so. Is that right Harry? Are you sure you’d have stuck around if they hadn’t given you that whopping new contract? And surely anyone who leaves Spurs because they actually want to win something or play in the knockout stages of, say, the Champions League cannot be that stupid? Are you going to remind Pochettino that he is stupid when he does one to one of the big clubs in about 18 months time? Right then.

I was thinking yesterday, something isn’t quite right with the Premier League. Something is missing. There is a gap that needs filling. And then with all manner of divine inspiration, the answer floated through my inbox. Cadbury’s. Yes, the Premier League was missing a chocolate partner. Well, now that has been put right we can all sleep better, can’t we. Yeah, don’t worry about investing in better coaching, getting the academies right or even helping your posy referees make the right decisions at the weekends. No, all that is crazyness. What you want to do Mr Premier League is go and get a partner for CHOCOLATE. And, readers, if you ever wonder why I started a website to point the finger at the Premier League you have you answer right there.