Raheem Sterling’s Bountiful Loins

Pan the Pundits

First of all, thanks for spending your Christmas Eve reading this week’s Pan The Pundits. Secondly, that’s the last time I mention Christmas in this piece.

So, PtP is back after literally nobody (not even my mum) noticed that I’d went to Munich for a few days. By the way, in what universe does anyone buy a 1860 Munich top for 75 Euros? Scandalous pricing. Anyway, Gary’s back and he’s pulled out some festive puns. S**t. He’s joined by the twins.

We began at Manchester City who are decent at football. They’ve won a few games on the trot and played quite well. Those sentences kids are what you call understatements. They were hosting Bournemouth who have not been as decent at football this season. At least they’re still trying to play some ‘proper’ football right guys? Yeah, maybe they should try getting some points first.

Funnily enough, it turns out Bournemouth aren’t that good at defending and City are quite good at going forward. City strolled to this win with Raheem Sterling in particular very happy to get his goalscoring bonus this week with his 22 children all wanting expensive gifts from Santa. Bournemouth have three points from the last 21. In short: a bit s**t.

Next, it was to Leicester where Claude Puel has proved to be an inspired appointment. I’d even hazard that this Leicester side is better than the title winners. They hosted Manchester United where our old pal Jose had taken their shock exit in the Carabao Cup in midweek with his typical grace and class. What’s that? He acted like a c**t? Noooo. Not our Jose.

Honestly, this United side is (barring de Gea, Pogba and, at a push, Lukaku) hilariously average. That draw wasn’t the result of bad luck but rather a bunch of overpaid average players trying to score Twitter goals. Leicester dug in with ten men and got a good point with Jamie Vardy getting his 50th Premier League goal. It’s only taken three and a half seasons. Top striker though guys isn’t he?

To London next where we get a 2009 Merseyside Derby in the dugout. It was Moyesy’s forward-moving party bus hosting Rafa’s faltering Newcastle. Against all the odds, Moyesy has actually managed to make West Ham look like a competent football team which is a small miracle. Rafa, meanwhile, has made his Newcastle side a bit crap. That’s less surprising because it’s Newcastle after all.

Ah West Ham, how I’ve missed you. Only they could manage to stumble around and make Newcastle look good. Not only did Saivet score but Mo Diame scored as well, not only equalling Joselu’s goal tally between them but probably beating that nonce Dwight Gayle. The Newcastle winner was a hilarious moment of miscommunication from Masuaku and Zabaleta which resulted in Zaba just booting the ball at someone. Andre Ayew also missed a penalty because he doesn’t know what he’s doing and just kicks it hard.

We headed to Burnley next where I saw Onyx’s side compared to Brexit this week. Surprisingly apropos. They were hosting Spurs who were rather lucky to only concede four against Manchester City last weekend. Yeah, I saw the action last week while I was abroad. I like football.

I don’t want to say Spurs are a one-man team but the results don’t lie. Hell Boy got a hat trick and Burnley went back to being excited about getting a blue passport maybe in the future. Oh, and Dele Alli is a complete shithouse.

Naturally, Arsenal and Liverpool ended up in the middle of the program because reasons. Both sides have had their fair share of criticism for being a bit crap at the back. This is correct.

As a Liverpool fan, can Simon Mignolet just please f**k off? I would like someone to please do some research and find out how many points he’s cost us in his Liverpool career. He’s just a bad Sander Westerveld without the really long kick. The game was fun for a neutral not for fans of defending.

To Stoke next where Mark Hughes is inexplicably still in a job despite picking up about four points in the last 18 months. Suppose that’s what you get for spending money on Saido Berahino. They were hosting West Brom where Alan Pardew has made literally no difference whatsoever.

That was annoying. Not only did Stoke win but Salomon Diddy scored a goal. West Brom fans might want to start looking forward to the summer signing of Britt Assombalonga for £14 million as they prepare for their promotion push. By the way, Mark Hughes saying people outside of Stoke don’t know how good things are is ludicrous. I’ve seen them play and they’re pish.

AW YEAH! SWANSEA VS WEVOLUTION! This game is going to be s**t. The major news, while I was gone, was that Paul Clement was sacked because (unsurprisingly) he’s not a very good manager. His temporary replacement? Premier League legend Leon Britton.

I mean the game was crap but Swansea looked better. They’re still going down but, hey, a goal was scored and a point was won. Gold star for trying.

I have nothing to say about Brighton beating Watford. God that was awful.

Jesus, will this ever end? The penultimate game was Southampton and Huddersfield. I contemplated quitting doing this.

Finally, Everton and Chelsea played a game of football.

So, what have we learned this week? Well, I’m not great at not mentioning Christmas, Raheem Sterling has bountiful testicles, Mark Hughes is an idiot, Burnley are Brexit and, damn it, never make me watch ten games that include Southampton and Huddersfield. Please.