A brumour is a breaking transfer rumour and may not actually be true in any way, shape or form

Gazump! That’s the sound of Manchester United trying to sneak off with Alexis Sanchez by offering him more money than what Manchester City pay their fullbacks. It’s a classic case of Sanchez’ Choice for the Chilean, who must now choose between sitting on the bench for City and playing as an auxiliary right-back for United. In fact, so determined are United to have Sanchez in their ranks that they’re willing to offer the expensively acquired but no longer required Henrikh Mkhitaryan in part exchange. Arsene Wenger must be absolutely thrilled to be offered a player who’s gathered more rust than the Titanic during his short time in Manchester.

Not content with throwing a spanner (the hardware kind, not their manager) in the works of one rival United are said to be plotting a move for Neymar, according to reports in the French press. The figure being bandied about is a piffling sum of €500 million, which would be better spent buying out a middling Premier League club and using them as a feeder club. You know, a bit like Liverpool and Southampton. Speaking of Liverpool, Jurgen Klopp seems to have grown tired of Daniel Sturridge breaking down more often than his five years old Volkswagen Beetle. Sturridge is up for sale and anyone willing/stupid enough to offer £30 million can take him off Liverpool’s hands. The money from the sale of the striker is already earmarked for nabbing Naby Keita. Hang on, didn’t they already sign him, you ask? They did. But in a case of Scouse maths gone wrong, Liverpool now want to pay more for a player they’ve already bought, so they can have him in January instead of waiting for six more months. It’s a real life case of Amazon Prime ordering here.

Primed for an exit from Chelsea is their manager, Antonio Conte. After watching his demands for Alex Sandro and Arturo Vidal produce Davide Zappacosta and Danny Drinkwater, the Italian has had enough and will leave Stamford Bridge at the end of this season. But not before he leaves a mark on one Jose Mourinho, who seems to have wound his neck in after Conte promised to fxxk him up when their sides meet in February. Roman Abramovich, having tasted Italian and liked it, is looking at Massimiliano Allegri to replace Conte. Or he could be after Luis Enrique. Or he could hire Allegri, fire him midway through the season and bring in Enrique. It’s fun being a football club owner.

And club owners don’t come better than those at West Ham United, who are not afraid of making mistakes, as long as they realize midway through the season that they’ve, once again, bought the wrong striker. Not content with making Simone Zaza look like a prancing, penalty-missing disaster, they went ahead and bought Javier “Chicharito” Hernandez, while their fullbacks continued to cross the ball to each other, leaving Little Pea like an unwilling participant in a primitive piggy in the middle game.

Little Pea might have the chance to return to Manchester United, too since Jose needs another striker. The Lion of Manchester, Zlatan Ibrahimovic, is out injured after coming back earlier than expected from a previous injury. If anything, he recovered too well, some would say. Nevertheless, United are looking for a stop-gap striker signing and Jamie Vardy also makes an appearance on their list. Vardy, who turned down Arsenal not too long ago, might look favourably at a move this time around. He should, theoretically, thrive when surrounded by pacy forwards such as Martial and Lingard, so it could be a win-win. United would just need to take special care of the Englishman the next time they go on tour of the Far East.