Pan the Pundits: Can Swans drown?

Pan the Pundits

You can always tell how important an episode of Match of the Day is by who they’ve got on each week. And it’s not looking good because, while the big guns were at Wembley, Kevin Kilbane and Trevor Sinclair joined breakfast man Dan Walker. My apathy for Trevor has been made clear but for anyone new, I’ll explain by using Ronan Keating’s – “you say it best, when you say nothing at all.”

We were also treated to an apropos tribute to the recently departed Ugo Ehiogu, a man I remember growing up as having a strange name and scoring an overhead kick in an Old Firm one time.

We were treated this week to a trip to Hull, where the home form under the Foreign Guy has been almost perfect. His ragtag bunch of foreigners have done the job for him so far and they’re looking pretty safe bets to stay up. They were hosting the United Nations who, with nothing to play for anymore, went nationality crazy and played 169 different ones this time out.

Where do we start? Oumar Niasse was sent off in a huge positive for Watford although it did look a bit soft as he basically blew on Niang for it. Watford then promptly played like nothing was riding on the game and lost. As a Liverpool fan, I can safely say I’ve never seen Lazar Markovic ever move as fast as he did for the opening goal, while Sam Clucas was the unlikeliest man on the pitch to score a volley from the edge of the area.

We were treated post-match to Magic Voice Mazzarri who, this week, was a female. Sadly, it appears Kevin suffers from the same, inane punditry style as Trevor so we got no actual insight into the game.

It was to Swansea next where failed Derby boss Paul Clement has struggled of late to keep his Swans from drowning. Can swans actually drown? A quick Google search proved only that swans can drown you. And dogs. Paul Clement was sacked by Derby. Anyway, they were facing ninth-placed Stoke who were ninth.

At least Swansea are trying to make it interesting. They dug out a win, although when Stoke do start Saido Berahino up front then there’s not really much they’re going to do. Fernando Llorente scored an actual goal and Tom Carroll did something which was nice for ex-Derby sackee Paul. Marko Arnautovic’s audition for NFL Europe from the penalty spot was unnecessary though. Mostly because NFL Europe has been defunct for years.

Berahino goal drought update – 46 years, 152 days, 4 hours, 25 minutes and counting.

We were also treated to a Lineker special courtesy of Breakfast Man. As always, a terribly awkward football manager speaks into a screen at regular intervals so the presenter can ask basic questions.

Bournemouth next, where they were hosting Middlesbrough which can only mean something interesting happened in a Middlesbrough game.

Ha. Haha. Ha. Haha. Ha. Sorry Boro fans but that one had probably been coming and it was some sweet, sweet karma for numbing my brain with your awful football and Rudy Gestede. Bournemouth walked through the back three time after time like it was nothing, Brad Guzan is still awful and Boro are going down faster than Gaston Ramirez in the box.

West Ham and Everton drew 0-0. I’m flat out refusing to attempt humour for this one. The best part was when it ended.

So, to wrap up, Marko Arnautovic is unaware of NFL Europe’s demise, Middlesbrough got some karma, the UN have stopped caring and Walter Mazzarri this week was a woman.