Pan the Pundits: How Many Pointless Games Can We Schedule This Week?

Pan the Pundits

Not even ten seconds into the show and the first match is already pointless. Yes, Gary decided to inform us that Chelsea were already Champions and, in the process, somewhat nullifying any point the opener had. He was joined by Ian Wright and Alan Shearer who weirdly looked to Wrighty for approval. “Am I a good pundit? Did I do the good smile, Ian?”

So, since they weren’t hanging about, neither shall I. We travel to The Wall first where the terminators of Chelsea had to try and win the title against Tactics Tony and his Venezuelan donkey up front. Yeah, I still hate Salomon Rondon. Unfortunately for Chelsea they had to do without the Duracell bunny in midfield so Cesc Fabregas had to play. Woe is Conte.

The terminators strike again. Michy Bat-shoe-hi-e appeared from the dark depths of the Chelsea bench to score an actual goal and win the title in a tough game. Very little else really happened in this one other than Rondon missing chances. The real highlight though was Jonny Evans pulling off a roulette with his hand near his own area. It was so smooth and so cultured that Tony is apparently ready to fine him for that. EA Sports have in fact contacted him about adding that to the latest FIFA as well.

Cue celebration montage! We get lovely shots of your obligatory footballer celebrations – throwing your manager, standing facing the same way so you can put the video on your Instagram, and plenty of dodgy jumping on the pitch.

I was all ready to praise Wrighty and Big Al for really analysing Chelsea’s success but they let me down here. If you want an in-depth analysis of that and not some rehashed crap then look elsewhere.

Attention turned to the bottom end of the table with Swansea getting ready to take a trip on Moyes’ relegation bus. Sunderland did the Swans a huge favour last week by actually winning a game of football, against Hull no less. Failed Derby boss Paul Clement was on the cusp of keeping Swansea up much to my chagrin.

Oh, come on Sunderland! Do you simply exist to ruin all the good things in my life? Even Jordan Pickford decided he’d had enough of me having a good time and went AWOL for Llorente’s goal. Literally all they had to do was win a game at ho…ah yeah, I see the problem now. What else could I expect? Sunderland have been awful and they even let Kyle Naughton score a goal. Scrap that bus now.

To Manchester next and we saw the not as good as you think Pep Guardiola and his Manchester City side take on the former Champions Leicester. Pep was so impressed by the new play with defenders tactic he implemented last week that he didn’t change a thing. Even Vincent Kompany’s glass legs managed to hold up for this one. Leicester were comfortably mid-table. That’s it. They’ve nothing to play for other than pride.

Ooh er, controversy. It was a tragedy for Shakespeare and his men as they didn’t get the old rub of the green for some decisions. First, they claimed Raheem Sterling was offside when he lazily swung a boot at David Silva’s goal, but it turns out there’s no decision to be made on an expensive footballer with less end product than a factory worker in the 1970s. Secondly, Riyad Mahrez had his penalty ruled out for slipping and hitting the ball twice. It wasn’t quite John Terry in Moscow but it was still a little funny. At least Shinji Okazaki scored a lovely volley. That’s nice, isn’t it?

Ian Wright made a good point about City being disappointing and wasteful, but I was still disappointed about earlier Wrighty. You’ve just got to do better.

It was off to the NotBrittania next where permanent crisis bruv club Arsenal were the visitors. Arsene and the boys beat Manchester United last week, lifting the curse of Jose, but they had to win at their notorious bogey ground. Then again the NotBrittania is not exactly the scariest place in the world. It’s more room full of puppies than house of horrors now.

Stoke are pointless at this stage of the season. They were shambolic. Then again what do you expect when they spent £20 million on Saido Berahino? And play Mame Biram Diouf up front. And actually play when they bring Peter Crouch on. The Stoke goal was more Hand of Giraffe than Hand of God but it mattered nought when they conceded four. Arsenal’s late push for the top four is still on. Just now. Despite all of this though, I’ll never forget that time Sol Campbell and his lead arse was outpaced by Mamadie Sidibe. Saido Berahino goal drought update – THE ENTIRETY OF TIME.

Bournemouth were the focus next, who were hosting Burnley with both sides safe. It’s been good seasons for both Onyx and Eddie Howe who have kept their sides up and pushing for mid-table. And that’s about it. No really. It’s that point of the season.

Well, that was a decent game. Junior Stanislas managed to round Tom Heaton from 20 yards out somehow in a goal that still doesn’t make any sense whatsoever. What was Heaton doing? Sam Vokes got another goal for Burnley which prompted the Premier League manager lean. What’s that? Whenever there’s a chance and contact is made on a shot, every manager leans back like they were in a standing recliner. Future England international Josh King got the winner.

Aw for fu…We were sent to Middlesbrough next because apparently the Premier League schedulers just love giving me the worst games to watch for this. Who are they playing? Southampton. Could this get any worse?

Well, 2-1 was a shock. Boro are crap at defending, Brad Guzan is an awful goalkeeper and, hey, Patrick Bamford’s still around! Jay Rodriguez got on the scoresheet too to cap off the footballers you’d forgotten about scoring in this one.

We finish at the second Friday night game where Everton hosted the UN in potentially the most pointless game of the Premier League season. Everton can’t go up or down in the table and the UN are safe. The UN opted to field 88 different nationalities this time out.

Everton won, Ross Barkley scored, and somewhere Kelvin McKenzie was shaking his fist at the TV in the Job Centre mumbling horribly offensive things about the city of Liverpool. Walter Mazzarri’s magic voice this week? The internal monologue of his translator.

So, Boro are crap, Sunderland are ruining my life, Peter Crouch is the key to Stoke’s success and we need more celebration montages in football.