Crystal Ajax

Pan the Pundits

Oh boy is this going to be exciting…

Yes, we’re back with Gary and the boys – ‘yer da’ Alan Shearer who has broken his wrist from angrily ranting about Brexit on Facebook and the other Neville. I can’t even take credit for calling ‘yer da’ Alan that but it does give me time to credit Bob Priestley who just so happens to write Curbing Your Enthusiasm on Tales which you should definitely read.

I have absolutely no shame.

We started at Bournemouth this week who have West Ham-ed their start to the season so far by losing both games rather tamely. Is that a verb now, West Ham? To West Ham – play football really badly. They were hosting Manchester City who drew with Everton the previous Monday much to Secret Agent Mourinho’s disappointment in the crowd. Kyle Walker got himself sent off but no worry because there’s 5000 replacements in the City squad at this point.

Ah, Mike Dean, never change you miserable, miserable bastard. City rather escape with the three points that are incredibly harsh on Bournemouth. Charlie Daniels belied his status as an average Premier League footballer to score a worldie but of course the headlines are all about Raheem Sterling. He scored the winner with the most Raheem Sterling goal I’ve ever seen before being sent off. As a Liverpool fan, I can only laugh at the little arse.

Did someone on MotD tell Al to act more ‘yer da’ this week? His rant on last minute goal celebrations was entering dangerous ‘yer da’ territory topped off with “give me a break man”. It’s almost as if he has a broken wrist and can’t spew all of this onto Facebook.

It was to Old Trafford next where The Best Team In The World have basically won the title at this point so this was just a procession for them. They were hosting Leicester who I’ve referred to as Stoke with a Premier League title. Last week’s Tales podcast gave praise to Harry Maguire as well so you should listen to that because I really have no shame.

It took a while but United did eventually get there. Both goals rather shocked everyone especially considering Fellaini was offside. Leicester were hardly troubling. That’s really about it although somebody did choose the balanced option during Marcus Rashford’s post-match interview.

AW YEAH! It’s Newcastle against West Ham. This will be brilliant. It’s the first time we’ve seen Newcastle on PtP this season and not a week goes by without talk of Rafa leaving. Personally, if the best signing I could muster was Joselu then I’d consider walking too. West Ham are a bit crap and they must just be keeping Slav in a job because they let him spend the pennies in their piggy bank this summer.

OK, West Ham are a lot crap. Newcastle looked like a semi-competent team in this game which pleased the Geordie pundit. Even Mitrovic scored which was nice. West Ham are probably needing to find a new manager or a new team.

Off to Selhurst Park next where Crystal Ajax still hadn’t scored this season. Then again, their visitors Swansea hadn’t even had a shot on target in their opening two games of the season. Something tells me this game won’t be filled with quality chances. Or quality at all.

So, who is worse – Crystal Ajax or West Ham? Swansea managed to finally get a shot on target and it turns out they can score when they do that. It’s revolutionary. Jordan Ayew scored the luckiest goal of the season so far making Fellaini’s look like a world-class finish. Frank’s solution to their problems – “show some balls”. That’s public nudity pal.

It was time for a trip to the United Nations who are slowly becoming less multi-national which is killing this joke slowly. Damn it Foreign Guy. They were hosting Brighton, a club seemingly stuck losing 2-0 for the rest of time. Miguel Britos was playing left back for the UN. Keep that fact in mind.

Excellent, a first 0-0 of the day. At least Miguel Britos got sick of playing left back after about 20 minutes and went to break Knockaert’s legs. If you’re going to get sent off at least do it properly eh Miguel? Brighton hit the post twice but amazingly didn’t lose 2-0. Positives. Sort of.

Oh, Al. He used the old Crimewatch joke to describe Britos’ challenge. 3/10 originality.

We finished at Huddersfield who are basically United’s main challengers for the title this season. Jurgen’s pal Dave has done a good job to get them off to a great start. They were hosting Southampt… aw for fu…

0-0. Who cares.

So, what have we learned this week? Well, United’s title procession is still going; Southampton are still boring; Brighton don’t always lose 2-0; Crystal Ajax is ingenious and Alan Shearer is more ‘yer da’ than yer actual da.

I bet he sells Avon as well.