Pan the Pundits

Another week, another PtP, although it does look like MotD, are running through their pundit budget by late October as they headed to Poundland this week to get Jermaine Jenas and Phil Neville in to talk nonsense.

We started at Huddersfield where Jurgen’s pal Dave hosted The Greatest Team In The World. I was about to say we hadn’t seen Jose and the boys for a little while but then I had a Vietnam flashback to last week’s game at Anfield. Huddersfield’s fans showed they’d raided their local WH Smiths to buy A4 paper to write some SmartPrice sign about passion and desire. Nonces.

Ha. Ha ha ha ha ha. Turns out Jose’s side aren’t as good as they thought they were. Huddersfield were great and barely troubled with the Belgian girl getting a goal as well. But, then again, what do you really expect when you start a Premier League game with Jesse Lingard?

Nice to see Phil having a pop at United for being sloppy considering he basically single-handedly eliminated England from Euro 2000 for that exact reason.

To Stamford Bridge next where the Terminators are looking less and less robotic by the day. They were hosting the United Nations who, unlike Chelsea, didn’t lose to a terrible team from London. No, they did manage to beat Arsenal basically because Troy Deeney is an ugly man.

Maybe not completely human for now then. Actually, in truth, Watford should really have won this but somewhere Richarlison is still missing the target. The Foreign Guy is still the best manager in the Premier League by the way but were undone by Batman. Not Bruce Wayne. A Belgian striker. I know…

It was off to the Etihad where Pep and his merry band of full-backs have scored, no hyperbole, 5 million goals a game this season. They were hosting Onyx’s Burnley, a side that enjoyed going to top sides and giving them a bloody nose. Kind of like Troy Deeney then.

I think the technical term is ‘routine’. Sergio Aguero equalled the club’s goalscoring record with a penalty that was soft. Sean Dyche got his comedy routine in post-match as well. It drew a laugh from Gary and Keith, 45, from Walsall.

Jesus, how have we ended up with this? It was Leicester next as Shakespeare suffered a tragedy and got himself sacked by Steve Bleasdale-ing his way into the relegation zone. They were hosting Swansea who are boring.

So all it takes for a Leicester win these days is a managerial sacking. Leicester deserved their win although Swansea did manage to score a goal. Hey, if they can do it then anyone can.

Aw yeah, it’s time to watch Mark Hughes get closer to being sacked. They were hosting Bournemouth at the NotBrittania. Honestly, the fact that Diouf still plays for Stoke really means that Hughes deserves everything he gets. Bournemouth haven’t done a whole lot this season so they’ll be happy with any form or point right now.

That was entirely deserved for Stoke. Not only is Diouf still an awful footballer, Ryan Shawcross’ big return ended up making everything worse when he was destroyed by Benik Afobe, a striker so average he is…well…average. Hey, not every punchline is good here.

We were with The Wall next as they travelled to Southampton. This game was an atrocity on the eyes. Thank god for Sofiane Boufal, a footballer I forgot existed, for scoring a wonderful solo goal.

Jesus, this week’s MotD never ends. It was Newcastle next who have been quietly solid so far this season. They were hosting Crystal Palace who are in the midst of a Wevolution and, having won last week, are on the charge for the title. Just the 20 odd points to make up now.

Excellent, Palace return to the status quo. Neither side was brilliant but the Toon grind out the win and get the easiest clean sheet of all time. Well, maybe not…

We finish this week by travelling back in time to Friday night where West Ham hosted Brighton. Chris Hughton has managed to stop his side losing 2-0 every week while Slaven Bilic has somehow managed to con his way into keeping his job for the past 18 months.

How does Bilic still have a job? Brighton were comfortable and West Ham were shite.

What did we learn this week? Well, Mark Hughes is probably getting sacked, Leicester need to sack a boss to win a game, Manchester United aren’t that great and Huddersfield fans made a nonce sign.