Pan the Pundits

Nothing quite like reassuring faces to welcome you back from a break. Quick question then: why was Phil Neville there?

It was the North London Derby first, a game so well advertised I had no idea it was happening until Saturday night. Spurs’ great title challenge faltered at Manchester United because no Harry Kane. And because they’re Spurs. Arsenal have been strolling along, getting by, doing them for the last few weeks. It’s all been relatively calm. Uncomfortably calm.

I’m definitely not an Arsenal fan but if Jonathan Pearce was any more biased in his commentary here, he’d be as well getting a giant tattoo of Clive Allen across his back. Then again, Pearce has always been an awful football commentator. He’s the Mike Dean of commentary. Speaking of that walloper, he made some dodgy calls because he’s crap. Notice as well how I’ve not mentioned anything about the game. State of them. Anyway, Arsenal were great and they’re getting a rough deal from the media and some of their own fans. They’re on the cusp of something, you heard it here first…

Phil Neville does sound moany doesn’t he? Yer Da is still speaking but not saying anything.

It was to Leicester next, under the spell of mediocrity of Claude Puel, and they were hosting the Pep and his merry band of full backs. City have been superb all season and look pretty unbeatable and now they have Megamind all patched up and back in action.

Oh my word, City kept a clean sheet with Eliaquim Mangala in defence for over half a game! This Pep guy is a miracle worker. City weren’t at their absolute best but it always helps when Kevin de Bruyne’s left foot is more accurate and deadly than a North Korean missile. Pretty sure the US are keeping tabs on it.

So, it was off to see the other side of Manchester. United had Paul Pogba back and Zlatan on the bench so all of their fans were very excited. Some sticky bedsheets around the world. Newcastle didn’t really care that much because professional centre nonce Dwight Gayle was playing.

The scoreline would suggest United are back being the best team in the world. Breaking news: they’re not. Newcastle caused them some issues and had they had semi-competent defenders, they could have got something out of the game. Pogba did well on his return. He’s still not the best player in the league United fans.

The Wall next and it seems there were some cracks forming. Poor Tactics Tony hadn’t won in nine and they were hosting the Terminators. Piece of piss. The Terminators, much like Arsenal, haven’t been terrible this season but they haven’t exactly set the world on fire.

Why Chelsea why? They got Tactics Tony fired. Is West Brom’s season now going to end up like that six months they had Pepe Mel in charge? Hopefully, they might become entertaining. Chelsea were in typical ruthless form, Eden Hazard keeping up his well-earned reputation of being a wildly talented s**thouse with two goals and a dodgy tackle.

Fancy this, it was Huddersfield against Bournemouth. Something tells me this game is either exciting or historic because it’s this high up the order. Let’s see…

Exciting it is. When it goes wrong for Huddersfield, it goes quite wrong and Callum Wilson showed what Bournemouth miss for three quarters of the season. There was some debate about refereeing but who really cares? It finished 4-0.

It was to Anfield next where Jurgen Klopp had met with his assistant for the first time and clicked the “yes, I’d like to host a friendly against our reserves”. I hate that option. Southampton are like stale bread. They’re not very good.

As expected, Stalehampton were not very good. Liverpool strolled through this one so easily that there’s literally no joke you can make.

The penultimate game was Onyx’s Burnley hosting Swansea. Burnley are to this season what West Brom were to last. Solid, winning and on course for a great year. Swansea are nothing like that.

Swansea are bad, Burnley are good. Moving on…

We finished at Palace where the Wevolution is stalling a little. They were hosting Everton, the only club taking longer than Rangers to find a new manager. In fact, I might put money on West Brom getting a new boss before Everton.

Hey, at least it was entertaining. Palace look like they’re going down with some form of fight while Everton might actually be alright under Unsworth. Well, if they learn to defend…

So what did we learn this week? Well, Southampton are stale, things may just have got interesting in West Brom, Manchester United aren’t completely brilliant and maybe, just maybe Manchester City are.