Vive Le Wevolution!

Pan the Pundits

I tell you what, the BBC are really getting their money’s worth with Gary this season. His 100% attendance so far is impressive and Yer Da is almost keeping pace with him as well. Jermaine Jenas, like much of his playing career, only shows up occasionally.

We start in Newc… WAIT WHAT?! This is not a drill people. Newcastle and United Nations were the opening game. Rafa’s side have been a bit crap recently but their could be a takeover happening. I wonder how long that’ll take to go sour. The UN have disappeared from PtP viewing in recent weeks. Either that or they’ve had a run of forgettable dross games. Probably the latter. Nice to see you again Mr. Foreign Guy.

Ah, UN how I’ve missed you. The Foreign Guy has really got them purring with Richarlison edging ever closer to joining West Ham in the summer. Newcastle were disjointed throughout. DeAndre Yedlin’s haircut is about as criminal as his defensive ability, Special Agent Joselu couldn’t hit water if he fell off a boat and Rob Elliot still hasn’t convinced me he’s a Championship keeper. By the way, Andre Gray. Shite.

I can still see the steam coming from Yer Da’s ears and probably fairly so.

Jesus, Gary pimped four of the top five playing at the start of the show so naturally we were then treated to a trip to the Wevolution. They were hosting Stoke, a team I was particularly mean about on last week’s Talk From The Top Flight. What a mediocre club.

What a shite side. How is Mark Hughes not under a lot more pressure? Even with a Shaqira that’s finding some form two and a half seasons after arriving they’re down around the relegation zone. The Wevolution were decent value for a win but had a Ryan Shawcross goal line clearance to thank for this three points.

It was Anfield next where the Terminators were the visitors. Liverpool managed to bottle a three goal lead in midweek which is hilarious considering they managed to stop conceding for a while. The natural reaction then was to drop Firmino and Mane. The Terminators are doing Terminator things.

A draw is probably a fair result in the end but can we talk about Mignolet because he can f**k off. Good talk everyone. Eden Hazard was, as I basically said last week, a wildly talented s**thouse while Mo Salah is a goal machine.

To Wembley next where Spurs are making a Pan The Pundits return hosting the Wall. We mourned the loss of Tony Pulis last week by mocking him with a Simpsons reference on Talk From The Top Flight but we at least get to kick it 2002 style with Gary Megson in the dugout for the Baggies. Spurs have went off the boil recently so they can gear up for their failed title challenge in 2018.

Well I say. Spurs are having a nightmare time right now, typified by the fact that Salomon ‘Diddy’ Rondon managed to score against them. Spurs had lots of shots but only managed the one goal. It was scored by Del… who are we kidding? Nobody but Kane scores for Spurs.

It was to Old Trafford where we were treated to a pre-game montage about how Brighton managed to drop two points against a mediocre club. United managed to lose in midweek but, no worries, they’re still the best team in the world. Right? Guys? Anyone?

Classic United. They’re not great but they’re going to finish second because they’ve got enough quality to do so. It’s basically Jose’s tenure in Madrid where he’s going to win one title then it’ll all fall apart because he’s a walloper. Brighton did themselves proud, not losing 2-0. Can I still make that joke? Probably not.

Oh Christ. We’re headed to Swansea next where Paul Clement has shown just how poorly Swansea have bought and sold by leading them to the relegation zone. They hosted Bournemouth who are quietly pulling away from danger by being solid if unspectacular.

Yawn. There were chances but it was hardly a classic. Roque Mesa went all Ric Flair and bladed for some colour in the second half. OK, he may have been elbowed slightly. Wilfried Bony had a goal ruled out which would have taken his total to five in about four years. Diddy.

We finish this week with a Friday night out with Moyesy and West Ham. Yes, you may remember Slav was sacked at the start of the month but only now do we see the return of Moyes’ party bus to PtP. They were hosting Leicester who are now mid-table for the rest of time.

To be fair to Moyesy, it’s the best West Ham have looked for about 18 months. Then again, they are still hopelessly incompetent at defending. Leicester are solid, unspectacular and guaranteed to finish 10th. You heard it hear first.

So what have we learned this week? Spurs are having a bad time, Leicester will finish 10th, Richarlison is edging closer to West Ham and Simon Mignolet is trash.