Pan the Pundits

Another weekend and another sighting of Gary Lineker. He jokes that Yer Da and Wrighty have been researching Panamanian players. Ha! They don’t do research.

We open at the battle of two teams that make me want to leave Twitter, Arsenal and Manchester United. I’ve been praising Arsenal for being superb recently and very, very solid. Since they’re hosting Jose, it’s obviously all going to go wrong.

Jose is going to spend the next month touching himself to this game. United were gifted the opening goals by some shocking work at the back from Arsenal and then got the third with an excellent counter. Some of the counters were superb and they are a top side. But, and this is a big, big but, if you’re a United fan, you should be concerned by the absolute state of your defending. The fact de Gea had to make 14 (yes, FOURTEEN) saves is borderline criminal. Smalling, Rojo and Lindelof won’t win you a title. And if you want a summation of just how unlikable United can be, look at Pogba’s red card. Not only is it a clear red card, Pogba throws a tantrum as if to say “you can’t send me off because I’m Pogba” and United fans around the world scream conspiracy.

Surprisingly, I agreed with much of what our team said surrounding the refereeing decisions. Not that Jose still didn’t have a moan.

To Brighton next where Liverpool were the visitors. Brighton have been solid without being spectacular and are very reminiscent of Norwich a few years ago. Liverpool have been pretty sensational in recent times in the league, the memories of a rough autumn slowly fading. However, Simon Mignolet is still in goals so disaster is never too far off.

My oh my. Liverpool going forward are pretty good. Coutinho ran riot, Firmino did Firmino things and Mo Salah was electric. They were even on course for a clean sheet until the referee gave a penalty for the wind blowing over Shane Duffy. Brighton will be disappointed to be on the end of their first spanking of the season but that’s what you get when your best chances go to Glenn Murray, a man on course to score eight goals this season.

We headed to Stamford Bridge next where the Terminators are slowly ramping up their form. They were hosting Newcastle who are beginning to turn into the Newcastle we know and love. Yes, the self-destructive, defensively inept Newcastle. Even with Rafa, you can never escape that Toon stink.

No real s**thousery this week from Eden Hazard, just some of the wild talent he has. Newcastle did manage to cause a malfunction at the back where professional nonce Dwight Gayle scored. In the end, it was routine stuff for Chelsea with Newcastle contributing to their own downfall like only they can.

Break out the pints, Big Sam is back! His retirement lasted all of about five months, as he’s in the dugout for Everton whose expensive title challenge has not gone well. He was hosting Huddersfield who, like Brighton, have made a fairly solid start to Premier League life. That’s about all you can really say at this point.

It wasn’t exceptional but Big Sam will have got the kebabs in after this one. The world’s most unnecessarily expensive player Gylfi Sigurdsson scored which was a nice justification for Ronald Koeman. Actually, no. No, it isn’t. Huddersfield created very little but then again so did Everton.

We headed to the United Nations next where Spurs were the visitors. The UN are trundling along nicely just now while Spurs’ title challenge has not been bottled but thrown in the bin. They’re on course for bottling the top four as well which is a new low for recent Spurs. “Lads, just blame the boss’ book” is what Harry Kane is probably saying.

This is the Spurs we know and love. Incompetent and impotent. They were lucky not to give away a penalty in the build-up to Son’s goal while the marking for the UN’s goal could be best described as ‘imaginary’. Davinson Sanchez’s clothesline was quite funny as well though quite why John Motson thought it was only a yellow is beyond anyone’s comprehension. Also, how he never saw Dier’s handball at the end is beyond me. Even Stevie Wonder called it.

To the NotBrittania where it was a battle of two bosses I can’t quite believe are still employed – Stoke and Swansea. I watched Stoke host Liverpool in midweek and they were awful. Ponderous, disorganised and a bit crap. Swansea have scored about three goals in the last century at this rate and are so bad that the Wevolution might actually catch them up at this rate.

Swansea are going down. I’m sorry but there’s no way they’re staying up if they continue like this. They let Mame Diouf look like a competent footballer and made Stoke look like a decent side. The most exciting part of this game was the stretcher they used for Bruno Martins Indi. Why were there two giant wheels in the middle? Are the NHS that hard up that they’re having to use old see-saws?

Our penultimate game was at Leicester who were hosting Onyx’s Burnley. Leicester are slowly becoming the quiet team of the league while Burnley have stuttered slightly in recent weeks. This is going to be exciting.

It wasn’t exciting. Demarai Gray scored and fought the post before celebrating with a squeeze of Jamie Vardy’s arse. I know Jamie’s wife is in the jungle just now but he’s not that keen Demarai.

We finished at The Wa… we can’t call them that anymore now. It’s the end of an era. West Brom, now resplendent with an Alan Pardew, hosted the Wevolution. It finished 0-0. The Wevolution are no longer bottom of the table.

So, what did we learn this week? Well, United are devastating on the counter but a bit s**t at defending, Jamie Vardy isn’t that keen for some action, Swansea are now worse than the Wevolution and the NHS are now so hard up they have to reuse old see-saws.